Rethinking My Stance on Capitalism
Today I made a relatively simple relocation in order to embrace the virtuous servitude we all know and love as capitalism. The physical move and landlord-tenant issues were actually smooth and straight-forward. This article will give an honest narration and analysis of my infuriating contacts with basic telecom conglomerates that provide true insight into the gross ineptitude of this nation's service industries.
12:45 PM
A representative from Time Warner calls me. She alerts me that they're running ahead of schedule and can move up the installation of RoadRunner. I ask how soon the technician can be at my apartment. She says, "he's already waiting!" Confused, I explain to her that I wasn't prepared to install my computer network a mere 5 hours before the scheduled appointment. I then request he arrives around 2 o'clock. Annoyed, she quips "fine!" and hangs up.
1:43 PM
A greased up technician from Time Warner arrives earlier than I'd requested, but that's certainly better than the (typically occurring) alternative. The young man installs the modem. Or more precisely, admires my installation of the entire system before his arrival. He tests the signal strength and makes a trip outside to do something I should be doing at 3 AM tonite.
Scrubby TW guy returns and incessantly questions me about the location of my "mainframe." I still have no clue what he's referring to or why it'd improve anything involved with the installation process. The signal was plenty strong enough, and everything was working properly. Just to be a prick, I took him into the laundry room and pointed to the fuse box, asking if that was what he meant. He said "no, I dink iss in da attic." I then alerted him to the fact that my landlord would probably not approve of TW guys cracking boards and digging through his property without permission. He seemed perplexed and finally stopped mentioning whatever it was that he needed.
On the way out, I continued to test the signal strength and this remarkable conversation actually took place.
Me: "So does this also have the standard Time Warner 44K upload cap?"
TW Stiff: "What's a blue cap?"
Me: "Uhhh, nevermind."
4:03PM
I figured that Time Warner had gotten $52.50/mo for mediocre channels+ $3/mo for a generic prevue guide+ $7/mo for a cable box that does nothing except further advertise their own product+ $2/mo for a remote control that was worth $1.75 in 1992+ $12/mo for HBO that I watch 2 hours every 2 weeks. My new plan? You guessed it, outdated satellite tv!
I deduced, for $30/mo and still getting the same channels, it'd be worth it to have some clunky hardware and a few winter nites where I'm wiping 2 feet of snow from the dish so I can watch my 13th episode of Seinfeld that day. I erred.
I call Dish Network. Right off the bat, they try to charge me an extra $5/mo for a second receiver, despite the fact that the company website specifically states that two receivers come for the price of one. I let that go thinking the end justifies the means. Then, they run a credit check, which I somehow FAIL! Mind you, I've never not paid a bill and have had credit cards since 1999. Huh? I was just approved by credit checks for my gas and electric companies. What the hell can Dish Network see that they don't? The representative tells me their software is on the fritz and to call them back in an hour. "That sounds made up." I at least ask if I can have an account number to avoid rehashing the entire 20 minute registration period to begin the next call. He says no.
"Thanks for the least productive phone call ever. [Click]"
9:38 PM
I make my second call to Dish Network. The extended break should give me some time to cool off and assess other options should I mysteriously "fail" another credit check. I gave them all of my information again in a brisk 10 minutes. I then fail my second credit check today. What the hell is going on here?
I begin arguing with the customer service rep. I want to know what my score was and how much I failed by. He tells me he doesn't know and they outsource the credit checks from a company called Experian. Luckily for me, it costs money to get your credit score from Experian as a private individual, so I can't protest or have any idea as to what I've done wrong.
The representative next informed me I haven't obviously done enough GOOD things to build up my credit score. I inquired where he attained his MBA from. Predictably, there was silence on the other end of the phone. He told me he was sweet enough to get approved for a Best Buy credit card, so he must know what he's talking about.
He suddenly tried to give me the sales pitch about how none of this matters because I can just "lease" the dish equipment for a "small" fee of $150. Those mother fuckers. This was a bait-and-switch scam from the very beginning. Offer a sweet ass deal, then give a phony credit check to rope people in to signing a $45 "one-time charge" (which is actually an adhesion contract that charges customers $240 if you cancel prior to 18 months). I'm so pissed off.
I sheepishly deferred to his immense financial expertise and relayed that since my money was suspect, I'd be letting Time Warner cash my checks. My seedy financial record never seemed to bother them over the past 3+ years.
"Best Buy sucks. [Click]"
10:03 PM
What's this? An XBox Live charge of $49.95? I literally haven't used XBL for 2.5 years. I tried cancelling online 2 year ago and was redirected to a page asking me to sign a user agreement which wouldn't allow me to cancel! That's it, I'm officially on tilt!
I call in, asking to cancel and for a full refund on a service I haven't used in over two years. For the record, this was charged to my current credit card even though I had originally purchased XBL on a card that has since expired. Way to contact me first, Chase!
A Chinese accent? Lovely. This is going to be simple. I have nothing against the Chinese. In fact, I admire many of their cultural norms and rich history. But dealing with a harsh language barrier is borderline torturous. After a lengthy period where I was put on hold no fewer than 12 times, the rep then asked me whether I was sure it was an XBox 360 account. "Uhhh, no. Old XBox. That was like the third thing I told you." What a disaster.
Finally, after a 30 minute sparring session, I'm ready to go on to the cancellation department. Whew. It's only downhill from here, right? Wrong! Her superior officer had an even thicker accent and basic comprehension deficiencies. What kind of business is this?
Later, I was forced to endure a rapid-fire inquisition on the basis of my dissatisfaction with XBL. Here's a brief excerpt.
Me: "I don't like console video games. I'm not 12 anymore."
RAG: "Do you want to switch to a month to month subscription?"
Me: "Yep! Oh wait. No, I still want to cancel. I literally haven't played XBox in over 2 years. Can you just please credit me the payment back?"
RAG: "Is there anyone who you know that could take over your account?"
Me: "No. I want to be done with XBox forever."
Final call time: 52 Minutes, 17 Seconds.
11:40 PM
I didn't mean a word of it! I still love you, capitalism. If these inefficient, crass, and downright shoddy businesses are some of the most profitable in the entire world, there's hope for all of us! I'm just going to have to buy a few hundred shares of TWX so I can be the one who profits off of your cheap labor and utter disregard for customer satisfaction due to thriving regional monopolies.
If you can't beat 'em, gouge 'em!
12:45 PM
A representative from Time Warner calls me. She alerts me that they're running ahead of schedule and can move up the installation of RoadRunner. I ask how soon the technician can be at my apartment. She says, "he's already waiting!" Confused, I explain to her that I wasn't prepared to install my computer network a mere 5 hours before the scheduled appointment. I then request he arrives around 2 o'clock. Annoyed, she quips "fine!" and hangs up.
1:43 PM
A greased up technician from Time Warner arrives earlier than I'd requested, but that's certainly better than the (typically occurring) alternative. The young man installs the modem. Or more precisely, admires my installation of the entire system before his arrival. He tests the signal strength and makes a trip outside to do something I should be doing at 3 AM tonite.
Scrubby TW guy returns and incessantly questions me about the location of my "mainframe." I still have no clue what he's referring to or why it'd improve anything involved with the installation process. The signal was plenty strong enough, and everything was working properly. Just to be a prick, I took him into the laundry room and pointed to the fuse box, asking if that was what he meant. He said "no, I dink iss in da attic." I then alerted him to the fact that my landlord would probably not approve of TW guys cracking boards and digging through his property without permission. He seemed perplexed and finally stopped mentioning whatever it was that he needed.
On the way out, I continued to test the signal strength and this remarkable conversation actually took place.
Me: "So does this also have the standard Time Warner 44K upload cap?"
TW Stiff: "What's a blue cap?"
Me: "Uhhh, nevermind."
4:03PM
I figured that Time Warner had gotten $52.50/mo for mediocre channels+ $3/mo for a generic prevue guide+ $7/mo for a cable box that does nothing except further advertise their own product+ $2/mo for a remote control that was worth $1.75 in 1992+ $12/mo for HBO that I watch 2 hours every 2 weeks. My new plan? You guessed it, outdated satellite tv!
I deduced, for $30/mo and still getting the same channels, it'd be worth it to have some clunky hardware and a few winter nites where I'm wiping 2 feet of snow from the dish so I can watch my 13th episode of Seinfeld that day. I erred.
I call Dish Network. Right off the bat, they try to charge me an extra $5/mo for a second receiver, despite the fact that the company website specifically states that two receivers come for the price of one. I let that go thinking the end justifies the means. Then, they run a credit check, which I somehow FAIL! Mind you, I've never not paid a bill and have had credit cards since 1999. Huh? I was just approved by credit checks for my gas and electric companies. What the hell can Dish Network see that they don't? The representative tells me their software is on the fritz and to call them back in an hour. "That sounds made up." I at least ask if I can have an account number to avoid rehashing the entire 20 minute registration period to begin the next call. He says no.
"Thanks for the least productive phone call ever. [Click]"
9:38 PM
I make my second call to Dish Network. The extended break should give me some time to cool off and assess other options should I mysteriously "fail" another credit check. I gave them all of my information again in a brisk 10 minutes. I then fail my second credit check today. What the hell is going on here?
I begin arguing with the customer service rep. I want to know what my score was and how much I failed by. He tells me he doesn't know and they outsource the credit checks from a company called Experian. Luckily for me, it costs money to get your credit score from Experian as a private individual, so I can't protest or have any idea as to what I've done wrong.
The representative next informed me I haven't obviously done enough GOOD things to build up my credit score. I inquired where he attained his MBA from. Predictably, there was silence on the other end of the phone. He told me he was sweet enough to get approved for a Best Buy credit card, so he must know what he's talking about.
He suddenly tried to give me the sales pitch about how none of this matters because I can just "lease" the dish equipment for a "small" fee of $150. Those mother fuckers. This was a bait-and-switch scam from the very beginning. Offer a sweet ass deal, then give a phony credit check to rope people in to signing a $45 "one-time charge" (which is actually an adhesion contract that charges customers $240 if you cancel prior to 18 months). I'm so pissed off.
I sheepishly deferred to his immense financial expertise and relayed that since my money was suspect, I'd be letting Time Warner cash my checks. My seedy financial record never seemed to bother them over the past 3+ years.
"Best Buy sucks. [Click]"
10:03 PM
What's this? An XBox Live charge of $49.95? I literally haven't used XBL for 2.5 years. I tried cancelling online 2 year ago and was redirected to a page asking me to sign a user agreement which wouldn't allow me to cancel! That's it, I'm officially on tilt!
I call in, asking to cancel and for a full refund on a service I haven't used in over two years. For the record, this was charged to my current credit card even though I had originally purchased XBL on a card that has since expired. Way to contact me first, Chase!
A Chinese accent? Lovely. This is going to be simple. I have nothing against the Chinese. In fact, I admire many of their cultural norms and rich history. But dealing with a harsh language barrier is borderline torturous. After a lengthy period where I was put on hold no fewer than 12 times, the rep then asked me whether I was sure it was an XBox 360 account. "Uhhh, no. Old XBox. That was like the third thing I told you." What a disaster.
Finally, after a 30 minute sparring session, I'm ready to go on to the cancellation department. Whew. It's only downhill from here, right? Wrong! Her superior officer had an even thicker accent and basic comprehension deficiencies. What kind of business is this?
Later, I was forced to endure a rapid-fire inquisition on the basis of my dissatisfaction with XBL. Here's a brief excerpt.
Me: "I don't like console video games. I'm not 12 anymore."
RAG: "Do you want to switch to a month to month subscription?"
Me: "Yep! Oh wait. No, I still want to cancel. I literally haven't played XBox in over 2 years. Can you just please credit me the payment back?"
RAG: "Is there anyone who you know that could take over your account?"
Me: "No. I want to be done with XBox forever."
Final call time: 52 Minutes, 17 Seconds.
11:40 PM
I didn't mean a word of it! I still love you, capitalism. If these inefficient, crass, and downright shoddy businesses are some of the most profitable in the entire world, there's hope for all of us! I'm just going to have to buy a few hundred shares of TWX so I can be the one who profits off of your cheap labor and utter disregard for customer satisfaction due to thriving regional monopolies.
If you can't beat 'em, gouge 'em!
posted by The Eminent Gadfly at 11:01 PM
1 comments
