The Eminent Gadfly

The "Consistent" 2007 Fantasy Baseball Year in Review

2007-09-30T17:02:00.001-04:00

As promised, this will mark year two of my new tradition involving the recap of Fantasy Baseball. As most of you who know me realize, fantasy baseball is my favorite fantasy sport. It really rewards the micromanaging owner and provides neat twists like keepers but retains the drama and competitiveness that make all fantasy sports great.

This year was no different than last. The playoff race for 2nd-5th place came down to the last day of the season. There were no fewer than a dozen flip-flops of these places over the final two weeks of the season, including a 5 point slide by the Red Devils on the final four days of the season. Here's how the year ended:

1. Roger's 401K (KT)
2. Bo Diaz TV Repair (SE)
3. Red Devils (GP)
4. HGH Hustlas (DF)
5. Joey Belle's GPS (JC)
6. Quinatana's Kids (JB)
7. Gimme Sideways (MW)
8. Cletus Van Damme (JW)
9. Dunder Mifflin (PW)
10. No Doubters (JE)
11. HookupwitPinski2Nite (AR)

Now it's time for the season's awards!!!

Best Draft: Quintana's Kids (JB)

Wow, how did this guy not finish higher? He had the best player in the game (ARod, taken 5th overall), both All Star SP's, Jake Peavy and Dan Haren (Rounds 3 and 9, respectively), and some good late round value (Patterson, Kinsler, Dumpster). If not for the collapse of the back end of his rotation (Dontrelle, James, Sowers), demotion of several of his closers, and glaring weakness at SS, The Jesus would've been a favorite to win the league. This just shows how a solid draft is only one piece of a complex puzzle.

Worst Draft: No Doubters (JE)

Given his post-draft moves, it seems some serious DOUBT crept into the mind of JE. 2B Chase Utley (1), SP Roy Halladay (3), 3B Garrett Atkins (4), 3B Chipper Jones (6), SP Roger Clemens (10), OF Brad Hawpe (15), RP David Weathers (18), and SP Philip Hughes (23) were all dealt during the season. Additionally, Util Frank Thomas (7), SP John Patterson (11), OF Dave Roberts (12), and SP Freddy Garcia (14) were all dropped. SP Francisco Liriano (16) didn't throw a pitch, and 1B Travis Hafner (2) greatly underachieved. Finally, most glaring of all, no eligible 1B was drafted! This created an ugly mix of Shawn Green, Rich Aurilia, and Darin Erstad at 1B for the first third of the season and precluded one of his highest drafted bats (Hafner, Atkins, Chipper, or Thomas) from playing every single day.

All of this said, JE should be a better team in 2008 than in 2007, as he did deal his remaining talent for 7-8 solid keeper options throughout the year.

Best Draft Pick: 2B BJ Upton (21-GP)

Upton ended up the 4th best 2B and a Top 50 player. He was solid across the board in every single category... He has finally lived up to his hype and should be a great player and keeper for years to come.

Honorable Mentions: 2B Brandon Phillips (12-KT), 3B Alex Rodriguez (1-JB), SP Josh Beckett (10-DF), C Jorge Posada (11-KT), SP Erik Bedard (7-AR), SP Dan Haren (9-JB)

Worst Draft Pick: SP Chris Carpenter (3-SE)

Wow, Carpy provided less value out of a 3rd Round pick than Josh Hancock. Last year's NL Cy Young winner pitched exactly 6 innings before his elbow cracked. For owners who spent the high price Carpy commanded, it was literally impossible to compete in SP categories.

Dishonorable Mentions: 3B Scott Rolen (5-PW), OF Jason Bay (2-GP), SS Rafael Furcal (4-JC), 1B Richie Sexson (6-AR), SP Rich Harden (6-SE), SS Julio Lugo (7-JB), 3B Chad Tracy (8-GP), RP Billy Sadler (I still don't know who this is?) (17-KT)

Best Keeper: SS Hanley Ramirez (WW-SE)

This one is a no brainer. Hanley was the #2 rated player on the year and cost Bo Diaz as little as possible for any keeper (WW pickup from 2006). Hanley added some legitimate power to his already well-rounded repertoire to become one of the best players in baseball (yes, I know he's a shitty defensive player; I don't care). Hanley finished the year at... and was the best player on the 2nd best team in the league.

Honorable Mentions: 1B Prince Fielder (12-JC), OF Magglio Ordonez (14-PW), RP JJ Putz (WW-GP), OF Alex Rios (WW-AR), SP Cole Hamels (WW-SE), OF Matt Holliday (10-JB), 1B Justin Morneau (15-DF)

Worst Keeper: SP Jason Schmidt (8-JE)

Jason Schmidt's arm fell off this year. With an ERA over 6, one win, and a 1.79 WHIP, not only did Schmidt provide no value for JE, he was a detriment. Coming into 2008 off of major shoulder surgery at age 35, this may be the end of the road for the former Pirates phenom.

Dishonorable Mentions: RP BJ Ryan (6-SE), OF Vernon Wells (7-JB), SP Scott Olsen (WW-JC), SP Dave Bush (20-JC), OF Rocco Baldelli (23-DF)

Best Waiver Claim: 3B Ryan Braun (SE)

This was the difference between 5th Place and 2nd for Bo Diaz. After struggling through Morgan Ensberg, Hank Blalock, and Chad Tracy at 3B, the hapless TV repairman decided to give the prospect a try. Braun responded by hitting...

Some of you may wonder why Carlos Pena did not win this award. Overall, he certainly had a superior season to Eva Braun. However, KT understandably did not start playing him until he was about 17 HR into his supernatural season. As such, Braun (playing from day 1) added more value to his squad.

Honorable Mentions: 3B Mike Lowell (KT), 1B Carlos Pena (KT), OF Eric Byrnes (JE), SP Jamies Shields (SP), OF Hunter Pence (GP), RP Jeremy Accardo (JW), SP Yovani Gallardo (JC)

Worst Waiver Move: Dropping of Curtis Granderson (SE)

Granderson finally exploded into a well-rounded player this season. Curty still literally can't even hit the ball when facing southpaws, but did turn some of his line drives into HR's and reduced his K numbers to more respectable levels. Unbelievably, Granderson exploded for 23 Triples and 25 SB's after 9 and 8 of each last year!

SE opted to keep rookies Chris B. Young and slumping veterans Jermaine Dye and Andruw Jones over Grandy, and paid the price in rate categories as a result. Granderson should also be a solid keeper option for next season.

Dishonorable Mentions: Dropping of Brett Myers (PW), Dropping of Frank Thomas (JE), Dropping of Troy Tulowitzki (GP), Dropping of Corey Hart (JC)

Best Trade: SP John Maine (GP) for 3B Garrett Atkins and SP Roger Clemens (JE)

Maine was at his absolute peak value at the time of this trade. The only place to go was south. GP also had a glaring hole at 3B, being forced to start BJ Upton there after the utter bombing of 8th Round pick Chad Tracy. Atkins hit ... and Maine was ... the rest of the way out. This deal elevated the Red Devils in the power offensive categories, cementing a 3rd Place finish.

Worst Trade: TIE: 7th Pick (Entire Draft) (MW) for 10th Pick (Entire Draft) and a 9th Round Pick (JE); SPJeremy Bonderman (JW) for OF Brad Hawpe and SP Philip Hughes (JE)

The first trade of the season turned out to be the worst. On draft day, MW clamored to drop down while JE looked to move up. This seemed like the perfect recipe for an even swap. Unfortunately, MW missed out on the 1(b) tier of players (Utley, Cabrera, Ortiz) who all performed well relative to where they were chosen. JE nabbed Utley after moving up, and MW selected speedy but relatively soft-hitting OF Carl Crawford. The 9th Round pick turned out to be the rotting corpse of SP Randy Johnson. This was a perfect example of not needing change for the sake of change, and the lack of a powerful 1st Round bat plagued Gimme Sideways all season long.

Inclusion of the second trade was a difficult decision. It really didn't hurt either team in the short term, as neither one moved up or down in the standings. And over the long term, JE gained several better SP keeper options. However, two solid first year keepers for a poor second year keeper who fielded a staggering 8.75 ERA and just 1 Win for the No Doubters was just too much to ignore.

Most "Consistent" Player: 3B Mike Lowell (KT)

This award goes to an average white guy who performs above and beyond his projected median stats for the season. These players are typically overhyped and overpaid and will likely regress to mediocre levels in the following three season despite constantly be praised as hustlers, team players, or guys with "intangibles."

Nobody better fits this bill than Mike Lowell. His healthy testicle, coupled with the Green Monster and absurd lineup protection somehow yielded a career year at age 33. He exceeded his career AVG by 44 points and somehow mustered 120 RBI's. Look for him to make about $8-12mil per year over 3-4 years and never be good again following this fluky season.

MVP: 3B Alex Rodriguez (JB)

I don't care what place his team finished in our league, ARod is the only person worthy of an MVP vote. ARod went ... for the season. He singlehandedly won RBI's and guaranteed a top 3 finish in HR for many owners and somehow was frequently drafted in the middle of the 1st round in most leagues. The NY hate is not deserved. ARod is the best player in the game right now and will end up one of the 5 greatest of all time.

Cy Young: SP Johan Santana (GP)

Although Jake Peavy slightly outperformed him, I'm giving the nod to Johan. He lead the Red Devils to a near sweep of all pitching categories (65 out of 66 possible points) and had an immortal 4.52 K/BB ratio. Although CC and Kazmir bested him in the K categories, his "consistency" and importance to the best rotation in the league justify his choice for this award.

Thanks again to all of the owners who have been diligent through and including the last day of the season. As always, I look forward to next season and naming my next team after a newly deceased veteran.

2007 Baseball Predictions

2007-04-05T22:59:00.000-04:00

Here are my predictions for the upcoming season.

American League

East

1. Yankees
2. Red Sox (WC)
3. Blue Jays
4. Orioles
5. D-Rays

Central

1. Indians
2. Twins
3. Tigers
4. White Sox
5. Royals

West

1. Angels
2. Athletics
3. Mariners
4. Rangers

National League

East

1. Mets
2. Braves (WC)
3. Marlins
4. Phillies
5. Nats

Central

1. Cardinals
2. Brewers
3. Cubs
4. Reds
5. Astros
6. Pirates

West

1. Padres
2. Dodgers
3. Giants
4. D-Backs
5. Rockies

Playoffs:

Yankees over Angels
Red Sox over Indians
Mets over Padres
Cardinals over Braves

Yankees over Red Sox
Mets over Cardinals

Yankees over Mets in 6 Games

AL MVP: 3B Alex Rodriguez
NL MVP: 1B Albert Pujols
AL Cy Young: SP Johan Santana
NL Cy Young: SP Jake Peavy
AL ROY: SP Daisuke Matsuzaka
NL ROY: OF Chris B. Young

Rethinking My Stance on Capitalism

2007-01-10T23:01:00.000-05:00

Today I made a relatively simple relocation in order to embrace the virtuous servitude we all know and love as capitalism. The physical move and landlord-tenant issues were actually smooth and straight-forward. This article will give an honest narration and analysis of my infuriating contacts with basic telecom conglomerates that provide true insight into the gross ineptitude of this nation's service industries.

12:45 PM

A representative from Time Warner calls me. She alerts me that they're running ahead of schedule and can move up the installation of RoadRunner. I ask how soon the technician can be at my apartment. She says, "he's already waiting!" Confused, I explain to her that I wasn't prepared to install my computer network a mere 5 hours before the scheduled appointment. I then request he arrives around 2 o'clock. Annoyed, she quips "fine!" and hangs up.

1:43 PM

A greased up technician from Time Warner arrives earlier than I'd requested, but that's certainly better than the (typically occurring) alternative. The young man installs the modem. Or more precisely, admires my installation of the entire system before his arrival. He tests the signal strength and makes a trip outside to do something I should be doing at 3 AM tonite.

Scrubby TW guy returns and incessantly questions me about the location of my "mainframe." I still have no clue what he's referring to or why it'd improve anything involved with the installation process. The signal was plenty strong enough, and everything was working properly. Just to be a prick, I took him into the laundry room and pointed to the fuse box, asking if that was what he meant. He said "no, I dink iss in da attic." I then alerted him to the fact that my landlord would probably not approve of TW guys cracking boards and digging through his property without permission. He seemed perplexed and finally stopped mentioning whatever it was that he needed.

On the way out, I continued to test the signal strength and this remarkable conversation actually took place.

Me: "So does this also have the standard Time Warner 44K upload cap?"
TW Stiff: "What's a blue cap?"
Me: "Uhhh, nevermind."

4:03PM

I figured that Time Warner had gotten $52.50/mo for mediocre channels+ $3/mo for a generic prevue guide+ $7/mo for a cable box that does nothing except further advertise their own product+ $2/mo for a remote control that was worth $1.75 in 1992+ $12/mo for HBO that I watch 2 hours every 2 weeks. My new plan? You guessed it, outdated satellite tv!

I deduced, for $30/mo and still getting the same channels, it'd be worth it to have some clunky hardware and a few winter nites where I'm wiping 2 feet of snow from the dish so I can watch my 13th episode of Seinfeld that day. I erred.

I call Dish Network. Right off the bat, they try to charge me an extra $5/mo for a second receiver, despite the fact that the company website specifically states that two receivers come for the price of one. I let that go thinking the end justifies the means. Then, they run a credit check, which I somehow FAIL! Mind you, I've never not paid a bill and have had credit cards since 1999. Huh? I was just approved by credit checks for my gas and electric companies. What the hell can Dish Network see that they don't? The representative tells me their software is on the fritz and to call them back in an hour. "That sounds made up." I at least ask if I can have an account number to avoid rehashing the entire 20 minute registration period to begin the next call. He says no.

"Thanks for the least productive phone call ever. [Click]"

9:38 PM

I make my second call to Dish Network. The extended break should give me some time to cool off and assess other options should I mysteriously "fail" another credit check. I gave them all of my information again in a brisk 10 minutes. I then fail my second credit check today. What the hell is going on here?

I begin arguing with the customer service rep. I want to know what my score was and how much I failed by. He tells me he doesn't know and they outsource the credit checks from a company called Experian. Luckily for me, it costs money to get your credit score from Experian as a private individual, so I can't protest or have any idea as to what I've done wrong.

The representative next informed me I haven't obviously done enough GOOD things to build up my credit score. I inquired where he attained his MBA from. Predictably, there was silence on the other end of the phone. He told me he was sweet enough to get approved for a Best Buy credit card, so he must know what he's talking about.

He suddenly tried to give me the sales pitch about how none of this matters because I can just "lease" the dish equipment for a "small" fee of $150. Those mother fuckers. This was a bait-and-switch scam from the very beginning. Offer a sweet ass deal, then give a phony credit check to rope people in to signing a $45 "one-time charge" (which is actually an adhesion contract that charges customers $240 if you cancel prior to 18 months). I'm so pissed off.

I sheepishly deferred to his immense financial expertise and relayed that since my money was suspect, I'd be letting Time Warner cash my checks. My seedy financial record never seemed to bother them over the past 3+ years.

"Best Buy sucks. [Click]"

10:03 PM

What's this? An XBox Live charge of $49.95? I literally haven't used XBL for 2.5 years. I tried cancelling online 2 year ago and was redirected to a page asking me to sign a user agreement which wouldn't allow me to cancel! That's it, I'm officially on tilt!

I call in, asking to cancel and for a full refund on a service I haven't used in over two years. For the record, this was charged to my current credit card even though I had originally purchased XBL on a card that has since expired. Way to contact me first, Chase!

A Chinese accent? Lovely. This is going to be simple. I have nothing against the Chinese. In fact, I admire many of their cultural norms and rich history. But dealing with a harsh language barrier is borderline torturous. After a lengthy period where I was put on hold no fewer than 12 times, the rep then asked me whether I was sure it was an XBox 360 account. "Uhhh, no. Old XBox. That was like the third thing I told you." What a disaster.

Finally, after a 30 minute sparring session, I'm ready to go on to the cancellation department. Whew. It's only downhill from here, right? Wrong! Her superior officer had an even thicker accent and basic comprehension deficiencies. What kind of business is this?

Later, I was forced to endure a rapid-fire inquisition on the basis of my dissatisfaction with XBL. Here's a brief excerpt.

Me: "I don't like console video games. I'm not 12 anymore."
RAG: "Do you want to switch to a month to month subscription?"
Me: "Yep! Oh wait. No, I still want to cancel. I literally haven't played XBox in over 2 years. Can you just please credit me the payment back?"
RAG: "Is there anyone who you know that could take over your account?"
Me: "No. I want to be done with XBox forever."

Final call time: 52 Minutes, 17 Seconds.

11:40 PM

I didn't mean a word of it! I still love you, capitalism. If these inefficient, crass, and downright shoddy businesses are some of the most profitable in the entire world, there's hope for all of us! I'm just going to have to buy a few hundred shares of TWX so I can be the one who profits off of your cheap labor and utter disregard for customer satisfaction due to thriving regional monopolies.

If you can't beat 'em, gouge 'em!

Youth of a Nation: Part I - Mustang Reigns Supreme

2006-10-30T05:15:00.000-05:00

I occasionally recall memories from my childhood which are indicative of the person I have become today. I have realized that none of my friends or family members have really changed one iota, from the time I was around 3 years old (the earliest moment I still have independent memories from) to the present day. When I relay these stories to interested parties, they typically find them humorous and am surprised I retain such vivid accounts of the times and incidents. The only other person I've seen outperform me in this area is my friend Jason (or Jr.), who was also an integral character in many of these boyhood endeavors.

The story I found myself daydreaming about tonite involves our infamous Matchbox car races. When Connie (my mother) would take me to Buehler's (our local grocery store) every Saturday morning, it would usually be under vehement protest. As is customarily a last resort for most parents and teachers who are confronted with hard-headed children that realize the authority figures lack true control, the only real way to pacify my ass was to bribe me. These gifts would typically come in one of two forms: either a new G.I. Joe figurine or a Matchbox car.

Naturally, I became restless just admiring my numerous cars after about a year and had to devise a competition to satisfy my boredom. My two best friends during this period were Jason and Patrick (Roy - pronounced "Wha," after the Goalie). Jason lived directly behind my house, and Roy lived diagonally from me across the street. At the time, I was obsessed with making lists and compiling statistics of anything and everything (e.g. baseball lineups, pro wrestling rankings from various promotions, backyard football and baseball performances, etc.).

A competition involving these cars that would be recorded seemed to be a natural remedy for two simulataneous itches. The object of the game was simple. Jason, Roy, and I would draft teams of cars and fling them down my driveway. Whomever's car went the furthest, won the race. The player that won the most races, wins the game. But if your car landed in my yard, it was "out of bounds" and that racer automatically got last in that heat.

Predictably, drafting and race tactics mirrored our personalities, both past and present. I usually had the first pack in the draft. Of course, I always selected Mustang. Mustang was indeed a Mustang known for her durability and reliable "to the street" distance each and every race. Jason usually got the 2nd pick and would choose a different car every time we played, hoping for new and unpredictable results. Roy ordinarily had the 3rd pick and 1st pick of Round 2. He'd select the two steady but unspectacular Jeeps. After the first two or three rounds, drafting transformed into a wrestling match to see who got certain inconsequential leftover cars.

Our throwing styles also reflected our levels of discipline. Roy was deliberate and careful. He almost never tossed a car into the grass. He would patiently nudge the Jeeps forward. And much like the tortoise, their slow and reliable movement would get them to the street each time for, at worst, a 2nd place result. Jason, on the other hand, was the exact opposite. Almost every "roll" involved a literal throwing of the car, hoping for a lucky bounce or sudden collision with an opponent's vehicle that would enable him to claim victory. I was somewhere in the middle in terms of patience and aggression. I frequently waited last to throw due to Jason's penchant for collisions, which later lead to the "1-2-3 throw" system being adopted. Afterwards, I'd record all results in my notebooks (which I still have in my closet) and mediate any disputes that arose during gameplay (these occurred approximately once every 15 minutes, at which point Jason would threaten to go home).

I would almost always come out the victor, whether it was legitimate or via some creative bookkeeping. After a few hours, we'd retreat to our separate homes and eat lunch. Thirty minutes later, we'd be in the backyard playing baseball until darkness fell. Summer days followed this pattern for several years.

Eventually, the games culminated with the death of Mustang (her axle had become bent) and the realization that we were too old to race cars and keep track of who had won. Apparently millions of people still haven't had this revelation yet. Either way, those were great, stress-free days on my driveway. I'd like to think I still owe some of my past, present, and future expectations of success to the tough times that Mustang's repeated gutsy performances got me through in the days of yore.

2006 Fantasy Baseball Recap and Awards!

2006-10-02T18:40:00.000-04:00

I've decided to start a new annual tradition. I plan on reviewing the bests and worsts from my favorite recreational fantasy game: fantasy baseball.

For those of you who are unaware, I (XX) won the league with an unlikely comeback from 4th place in July. Emo (TE) got 2nd, and Jim (RB) got 3rd.

Here are some of my awards. We'll call them, "The Fakies."

Best Draft: Tom Emanski

Soriano and Beltran were two clear top 5 players, taken at the 10-11 snake picks to open his draft. Liriano (12), Clemens (15), Papelbon (20), and Capuano (21) were some of the most reliable pitchers in baseball (until September, anyway) and made a one dimensional squad very competitive in the pitching categories.

Worst Draft: Tidd's Tough Guys

An enviable draft position (3rd overall) was turned into an epic disaster this year by Mr. Tidd. Teixeira (1) over Vlad or Johan was a tragic misstep. Pierre (3), Colon (6), Beltre (8), and Jeff Weaver (14) were miserable underachievers. Luis Castillo (11) was easily one of the worst picks of the entire draft and should not be on any team's roster. Tidd did manage to sneak into 5th, based on the solid pitching selections of Nathan (5), Harang (21), and Arroyo (FA). But after draft day, all owners agreed Tidd had literally no chance of placing in the league.

Best Draft Pick: Jonathan Papelbon (20-TE)

Pap Smear had an ERA under 1.00, a 0.78 WHIP, 35 Saves, 4 Wins, and 75 K in 68.1 IP. This is probably early 3rd round value in a closer attained by a 20th Round pick. Without this immense cushion in all of those pitching categories, TE would've likely been stuck in the middle of the pack.

Honorable Mentions: Francisco Liriano (12-TE), Jermaine Dye (17-XX), Raul Ibanez (21-TTG), Brandon Webb (8-RB), Jim Thome (9-GS), Aaron Harang (20-TTG), Bobby Jenks (19-RD), Vernon Wells (7-GnG), Jose Reyes (2-GS).

Worst Draft Pick: Derrek Lee (1-CTR)

Derrek Lee had some monster shoes to fill after his dynamic 2005 year. Unfortunately, a major shoulder injury and family issues made him essentially worthless. He played in 50 games and couldn't muster 9 HR or an .850 OPS. When a team gets absolutely no value from its 1st Round pick, it literally cannot win a fantasy league against competent opponents.

Dishonorable Mentions: Mark Teixeira (1-TTG), Todd Helton (3-RB), Gary Sheffield (3-CAS), Rich Harden (4-XX), Jhonny Peralta (5-DC), Eric Gagne (6-CAS), Mark Buehrle (9-CTR), Joey Devine (14-RD).

Best Waiver Move: Addition of Hanley Ramirez (XX)

Hanley was added on April 3, when XX realized he was clearly going to get last in SB if he didn't make a desperation wire move on a youngster. After some analysis, I noticed that the Marlins' lineup was not as bad as it had seemed in the preseason. Remember all those rumblings about Miguel Cabrera not having any lineup protection? Yeah, that was all bullshit. Hanley ended up ranked 28th overall by Yahoo and gave XX 42 SB and 99 Runs (lowered numbers because of the short-term platoon arrangement with Brian Giles). These were similar numbers to what Jose Reyes put up in 2005. Hanley will likely be kept for 2007.

Worst Waiver Move: Dropping of J.J. Putz (TTG)

The Putz was dropped in mid-April by Tidd for no clear reason. Once the death of Eddie G. became clear, he was snatched up by the Red Devils. Putzy only ended up having one of the best seasons in baseball for any reliever (4 Wins, 2.30 ERA, 104 K/78.1 IP, 0.92 WHIP, and 36 Saves). With these numbers, Tidd would've challenged XX in several pitching categories and threatened to take 4th place overall.

Best Trade: Ryan Howard (GnG) for Michael Young (XX)

July 15 is a day that will live in infamy. The Gravy Boys were desperate for depth at SS following the bombing of Bobby Crosby (11). XX discovered a power boost (in addition to Konerko) would be needed to make any sort of run at a money finish. This was a need for need deal.

Howard went on to have an absurd final 10 week stretch for XX (56 28 74 0 .352 1.243!). In Grits n' Gravy's defense, Young put up very respectable numbers, especially for a SS (42 7 45 3 .320 .837). And who would've known Howard would take excellent numbers and make them Godlike?

Note: At least a dozen experts (Yahoo and magazine nerds) were all over Crosby's jock this Spring. Why? I didn't get it then, and I don't get it now.

Worst Trade: Justin Morneau (XX) for Scott Podsednik (CAS)

Morneau finally exploded into his potential a mere 2 days after the trade was finalized. Podsednik's 16 SB after the deal helped XX maintain mediocrity in the category, but Morneau's MVP caliber numbers after the trade (66 19 81 2 .355 .966) and keeper eligibility make it the obvious blunder of the year.

MVP: Ryan Howard (XX)

Howard's numbers and value to XX's title run give him the nod over the otherwise infallible Albert Pujols. He has clearly broken through and should be an elite 1B for the next decade.

Cy Young: Johan Santana (XX)

Johan was clearly the best SP in baseball. In fact, it's not even close. He was ranked 2nd overall by Yahoo, and the next best SP (Smoltz) was ranked 26th. He had the most Wins in baseball, 29 K's more than the 2nd best Pitcher (Harang), and 9.43 K's per 9 IP weighted over a heavy 233.2 IP workload. If Gardy doesn't kill this guy, he will be the best SP in baseball for the next 5-8 years.

In conclusion, I want to thank my league members and baseball fans everywhere. The micromanagement, daily strategy, and manuevering are what make fantasy baseball the original and best fantasy sport. By the way, Yankees over Dodgers in 5.

I'll see everyone in 2007, when the Xylos attempt to defend their crown.

24 Can't Possibly Have a Good Finale!

2006-05-18T14:54:00.000-04:00

Despite the addition of the incredibly gifted pilot, Scott Evans, 24 has blown chunks over the past 2 months. Let's go over some of the most glaring plot flaws. I call them "flaws" because while not necessarily "holes" or "errors," most of these are either really lame or could be easily corrected with basic dialogue. Here is a litany of my current beefs.

-Henderson Inexplicably Hands His Collateral to a Scrawny Pilot

Why was he giving the recording to a pilot on some diplomatic flight? Think about all the possibilities here from the writers' perspective. I was expecting a North Korean or Chinese martial artist or maybe a character from the past. But no, the anti-Jack gave his prized possession to a 155 pound back-up pilot who was easily discoverable. I don't get it.

-Wayne's World III: Wayne Turns Black

Where the hell did Wayne Palmer go? He was so precious that Jack carried him along during covert missions requiring major combat skills. Then, he sent him to the one house where he could be safe-Buchanan's. The house was searched and everyone bailed 2 hours later. Meanwhile, Wayne is unmentioned and nowhere to be found. It takes one sentence of dialogue to explain that he found another safehouse or is hiding in the garage. Weak writing.

-Jack Pretends It's 1883 and Electronic Recording Can't be Done

The very first thing any rational individual would do after possessing the recording is to replicate it. It creates the ability to relocate on a whim and control Logan while protecting yourself. If I die, I still have two dozen other people who can carry out my mission. Yes, I realize the integrity and reliability of the recording declines with each subsequent copying, but let's do some risk/rewards here. It's stored on a flimsy drive that could be destroyed if Jack falls asleep on the ride back to CTU. And at least play the damn thing for Hayes and other operatives so they know you aren't full of shit.

-Let's Transport the Most Dangerous Foreign Terrorist at 3 a.m. on the Day of His Master Plan

This one is inexplicable. Vladimir Bierko desperately needs to go to an identical cell in another intelligence agency. And Logan wasn't even in on the planning? Uh, ok.

-Bierko Gets ANOTHER Canister of Poison Gas in 18 Minutes

All 20 of the other canisters were accounted for earlier in the season (yes, I'm a poindexter and counted because I know how 24 writers think). This means either one of the prior canisters was phony or another raid took place that we don't know about ON THE SAME DAY. Throw me a bone here, guys. We had to deal with Rudy's crackhead sister. You could at least show me some more violence integral to the storyline.

-Henderson Tricks Sub-100 IQ Jack Bauer

How does Jack really believe that the phony defection plot was legitimate? Why wouldn't Henderson have explained that he would have feigned interest in the other side before the raid to prevent CTU from jumping through the windows and walls? Jack Bauer is that gullible?

-Chloe Dabbles in Down Syndrome

Let's leave the entire value of our livelihoods with a 105 pound computer nerd. It isn't surprising that Miles sabotaged the recording considering Jack left her alone to make-out with Pointy Nose. What a joke. Also, how exactly did Miles ruin the file without touching it? I'd assume some type of magnetic interference, but once again, the writers didn't feel the need to inject the one sentence it'd take to inform the audience about a basic aspect of the plot.

-Nuclear Submarines Are More Vulnerable Than Arby's?

Three sailors and two pistols. That was all the terrorists had to overcome to commandeer a Russian nuclear sub with 15 warheads on board. First off, submarines have cameras when surfaced. No one would ever open the hatch for exactly that reason. Second, how did they get to the "civilian" naval base without detection or alerting the martial law checkpoints (they had to go from CTU)? Third, how were air force fighters not scrambled in the 15 minute ordeal in time to sink the surfaced sub once it was taken?

-Tony's Still Dead

I still haven't recovered from the lame death scene. Why did that serum kill him when it wasn't able to keep Hendo unconscious??? Then, Jack has the audacity to not use Tony and Michelle's deaths as motivation for hunting down Henderson. I won't recover from the ridiculous inclusion of Carlos Bernard in Season 5.

If 24 can tie up these loose ends, the finale will get an 8/10. Good luck jumping the shark.

TUF III Premiere: Shamrock Gasses Out!

2006-04-07T00:22:00.000-04:00

Just kidding about the headline. Wow, this is why MMA is currently my favorite sport. Dana White has realized the errors from TUF II and completely changed the show to conform to what FANS want. What a novel concept!

This season there will be no silly challenges or bizarre fight match-ups. Season 2 was marked with Randy Couture creating absurd competitions involving swimming lessons and jungle gyms which dictated what fights were chosen and led to several snoozers and mismatches. Now, we just have a coin flip, and the winning team retains fight selection power. This also removes the Matt Hughes tactic of getting rid of his weak fighters against Franklin's marginal fighters in order to make the team stronger (and if he wins it's a bonus).

On top of this strategical improvement, there is more footage of training sessions and sparring which people who are watching MMA at 10 P.M. on a Thursday nite invariably want to see, not Right Guard plugs.

Best of all, Ken Shamrock and Tito Ortiz are engaging personalities who genuinely dislike one another. Shamrock is, in my opinion, an overrated fighter legitimately 10 years past his prime but was influential in the first two years of the sport. He thinks everything is a pro wrestling worked interview and spazzes out like a fool. This clearly makes Tito disrespect him. But Tito is taking this show VERY seriously and has really impressed me with his training abilitites.

Perplexingly, I do think Ken may have drafted the better team (why did Tito pass up badass wrestler Ed Herman in favor an inexperienced boxer?), which should lead to overall parity. Tito is investing a ton in Mark Hamill, who is considered a "prospect" in MMA circles. Interestingly enough, Hamill is a graduate of Loveland High School, here in Cincinnati.

Tonite's episode was a 9.5/10, and I really implore any MMA fans out there to tune in and see all the hard work and drama that goes into being a fighter before the real lights even get turned on.

The Greatest 48 Hours of Television...Ever?: Part II

2006-04-03T17:50:00.000-04:00

5:53 P.M. MLB Opening Day

The Reds just went down swinging, 16-7. Adam Dunn misplayed no less than four balls in LF, the funniest being when he ate some warning track as a harmless flyball bounced off of the scoreboard. Why isn't Austin Kearns playing LF? Oh well, I enjoy good humor. Tony Womack for Mayor!!!

11:10 P.M. WWE Raw

Cena-Triple H-Edge had a great three-way promo. The 5 man slam on Big Show was a pretty cool spot. Umaga (new guy) apparently fears cardio. Of course Cena jobbed to Trips after last nite. But I liked the way they booked the Triple Threat match. Maybe they'll do a Fatal 4 Way and add HBK or something. Below average Raw.

11:34 P.M. NCAA Title Game

This game sucks. It's 18 points with 12 minutes remaining. I liked Florida to win beforehand. I'm done watching until 11:30. It's time to focus on Pride.

Well, under a minute and Florida is up 15. It looks like I didn't miss anything. We can safely say this was the worst Final Four in my lifetime. Congrats to Joakim Noah on being a stud and the 3-5th overall pick in the NBA Draft now.

12:27 A.M. Pride FC - Bushido 10

Joachim Hansen crushed my boy, Luis Azeredo with a vicious knee to the bridge of the nose.

Paulo Filho surprised me by pulverizing Ninja. I'll be interested to see him fight Hendo at 185.

Why is Giant Silva paid to fight for a living? This is as absurd as Manute Bol being paid to box. Oh wait. Pride continues to undermine the validity of their own product by having a legitimate Giant fighting a respectable 180 pound fighter. I want to watch good fights, not a damn circus. Minowa won with a soft stoppage after a few knees. At least it was under 3 minutes long.

Wow, my boy, Takanori Gomi just got defeated with an Arm Triangle Choke. I didn't think he was weak enough to get trapped in that without being able to roll. I'm imagining Marcus Aurelio will fight Gomi in a rematch for the belt. Pretty entertaining card except for the circus affair. I'm really looking forward to the Open Weight GP.

1:42 A.M. 24

That was an interesting twist to close the episode. Looking back on the season, it does make some sense that Logan has been the baddie all along. After all, why else would he expose the Russians to danger and almost joyously negotiate with terrorists? Walt Cummings was just the fall guy for a bigger plot. Who is going to rat on the President? I'm guessing it'll be Mike Novick, Aaron, and the now positively assertive VP.

This does seem a little forced, though. Why would Logan target everyone related to Jack? To sabotage his own arms deal? Would the Chinese really care that much a couple years later? It's just a little baffling. I said it after episode 1: Jack will plow the First Lady before this season ends. I still miss Tony, though. : (

That concludes 48 hours of great entertainment. I was definitely letdown by the NCAA Championship and to a lesser extent, WrestleMania. But it is nice to have baseball back, and MMA should be heating up with TUF III on Thursday and several upcoming pay-per views.

2006 MLB Predictions: Bud Selig Still Resembles a Horse!

2006-04-02T21:58:00.000-04:00

Here are my predictions for the season:

AL East: Yankees
AL Central: Indians
AL West: A's
AL Wild Card: Angels

NL East: Braves
NL Central: Cardinals
NL West: Padres
NL Wild Card: Phillies

World Series: Yankees over Cardinals in 6

AL MVP: Alex Rodriguez
NL MVP: Albert Pujols
AL Cy Young: Johan Santana
NL Cy Young: Chris Carpenter
AL ROTY: Justin Verlander
NL ROTY: Jeremy Hermida

The Greatest 48 Hours of Television...Ever?: Part I

2006-04-02T17:30:00.000-04:00

These are my running thoughts during Saturday and Sunday's monumental day of television. I'll follow this up with a log on Monday, too. For any of you not wanting to be spoiled about the WWE Hall of Fame Festivities, Tribe-White Sox, Wrestlemania 22, Episode 4 of The Sopranos, 24, WWE Raw, NCAA Basketball Title Game, and Pride FC: Bushido 10, please stop reading.

12:11 A.M. WWE Hall of Fame

Wow, that was surreal. I just wrapped up the 2006 WWE Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony on USA. Chavo, Benoit, and Rey Rey were all fantastic in their praise of the late Eddie Guerrero. This may seem a bit self-interested, but the thing I will remember/miss the most about the guy is that he just never worked a bad match. He could carry a Batista, Big Slow, or younger competitor into an entertaining bout full of humor and solid storytelling regardless of anything else.

But the big experience of the nite was the return of Bret Hart to a WWE event. Even though he resembled Ozzy Osbourne on the tail end of a binger, it was great to see the "Hitman" again. He even thanked the McMahons. Of course, seeing Hart and Steve Austin on stage brought back memories of my personal favorite match ever: Stone Cold vs. Hart from WrestleMania 13. The match had everything that makes wrestling good: extreme violence, blood, fantastic storytelling, mat wrestling, foreign objects, submission grappling, intrigue, a new superstar (referee Ken Shamrock), and the perfect finish (Stone Cold as the "loser" who passed out from excessive blood loss and pain in the Sharpshooter, was thrust into the spotlight as the greatest face in wrestling history.).

For those of you who haven't been following Bret since his WCW days, his career ended following an injury from an errant Bill Goldberg kick. This led to further complications, including post-concussion syndrome, when Bret rushed back from the injury. Then, in 2002, Bret suffered a severe stroke after another head injury following a motorcycle accident.

Although hoping for a run-in during Vince-HBK is probably too much to ask, just having some closure from Bret's end and getting a quality DVD on the market featuring his greatest matches is as much as wrestling fans can expect from his ego (and Vince's).

7:21 P.M. Carlito/Chris Masters vs. Kane/Big Show

Kane gets the pinfall on Carlito after a Chokeslam in a short match.

7:40 P.M. Money in the Bank

I had some viewing issues, but now I'm back watching the Money in the Bank #1 Contender Match. JR is a welcome voice on the PBP. Shelton and RVD have dominated the entertainment. I'm pretty sure Lashley isn't coordinated enough to climb a ladder. Rob Van Dam scores the W following a nasty bump taken by Benjamin and Matt Hardy. Good Match. Chicago hasn't forgotten ECW.

7:46 P.M. Hall of Fame Segment

The Fink mentioned Bret Hart didn't feel comfortable attending tonite's festivities. Wait, Tony Atlas is in the Hall of Fame? That reminds me of Saba Simba, or as I call it, the most stereotypically racist character in wrestling history (and that's saying a lot).

8:02 P.M JBL vs. Chris Benoit

JBL vs. Benoit was ok. Man, Jillian Hall's body is a 10. The gimmick of having a massive mole on her cheek (later eaten off by The Boogeyman) really capitalized on her sex appeal. JBL wins the U.S. Title by rolling through the Crippler Crossface into a pin aided by the typical heel rope grab.

8:14 P.M. Tribe vs. White Sox, first pitch

The 2006 Baseball season is underway. Grady took the first pitch for a ball. Go Tribe!

8:23 P.M. Mick Foley vs. Edge

Mick Foley vs. Edge is next. I think Edge is a superstar on the rise. And I'm a sucker for high spots and Foley in general. This hardcore patch should be the best bout on the card. Foley wrapped himself before the match in barbed wire. Edge's Spear subsequently backfired. I hope Mick grinds Barby on Lita's forehead.

Barby onto Foley's head! After a facebuster onto barbed wire, blood gushes everywhere. Belly to back suplex of Edge onto the thumb tacks. Mandible Claw with barbed wire on Mr. Socko to Edge then Lita! Barby drop onto Edge. Spear of Foley through a table lit on fire, and Edge gets the 1-2-3. That was a disturbing and graphic affair. I loved it!

8:39 P.M. Booker T vs. Boogeyman

Booker T is up next against the worm guy. Why is Sharmell in this match? I personally think Boogeyman's character sucks. He can't work at all. I'm sure Booker will do the job because Vince pushes any bodybuilder who gets a pop in his first bout.

There's so much fog that I can barely see the match. That's probably a good thing with Boogey working. But why doesn't WWE test this shit beforehand? Sharmell gets kissed with worms, and Booker gets pinned after a weak two-handed chokeslam. The crowd is predictably silent.

8:54 P.M. Trish Stratus vs. Mickie James

Trish Stratus vs. Mickie James should be ok. Trish is obviously "my style." Mickie did a great job with her heel turn and the bloody nose. I enjoyed this quote by JR opening the match.

"She may be a little old for you, King. She's in her early twenties."

For those of you who don't know, Lawler was accused of statutory rape and sodomy in the early 1990's. It turned out to be a bogus accusation drummed up by the girl's parents. But I liked the bit, regardless.

This match is kind of hot. Trish looks amazing in black. The crowd is actually cheering for Mickie. Trish gets booed after a headscissors! Mickie botches the Stratusfaction spot. The crowd lets her know by chanting, "You fucked up!" Mickie wins with the Chick Kick. It was an excellent bout, actually, until the butchered Stratusfaction.

8:59 P.M. White Sox Take a 3-0 Lead

Well, a poorly played line drive by "The Heartbreak Kid" Jason Michaels just led to two Sox runs. Take a good angle! I really think we need to upgrade at both corner OF spots if we expect to win this season.

Great. C.C.'s fat ass is coming out of the game. I should get into my rant on baseball players being lazy pieces of shit (the underachievers, not Bonds, Clemens, et. al, obviously). It looks like he strained his obby, back or pectoral (seriously). What a joke. Fucking run and do situps if you're getting paid millions to perform an activity that requires basic physical conditioning. Can I go back and switch my AL Central winner to the Pale Hose?

Danny Graves is in. I want to gnaw my own arm off. It looks like we'll be hoping Kaz Tadano can come in and tear up some asses (pun intended) this season.

9:14 P.M. Undertaker vs. Mark Henry

Undertaker should be stuffing Mark Henry's bloated corpse into the casket in about 10 minutes. Well, it took about 16. Undertaker with a plancha on Henry? That was slightly better than expected. Tombstone and a roll into the casket. Undertaker is 14-0 all-time at WrestleMania.

9:20 P.M. Tribe ties the game, 3-3

Victor rips one off of the wall. Pronk scores on a weird hop. Eazy Eddie Perez DESTROYS an inside fastball off of Buerhle making it 3-3. It looks like my boys have some heart. Rain delay?

9:42 P.M. Shawn Michaels vs. Vince McMahon

HBK had better not job to Vince. His skin looks absurdly orange from the tanning bed. That's just gross. You're 60. Here comes the Spirit Squad. At least two of these guys are legitimately good wrestlers, but this gimmick is horrendous. Michaels is lashing the hell out of Vince with a belt. That has to be satisfying. Shane O'Mac with a kendo stick to the back as HBK is tuning up the band.

Vince has the advantage. So naturally, he unbuttons his pants and they try to get Shawn to kiss Vince's bare ass. Shawn reverses it and makes Shane kiss his ass then low blows Vince. Stiff cane shots on a handcuffed Shane. Brutal unprotected chairshot to Vince! Shawn tunes up the band and stops to get a ladder from under the ring. Unprotected ladder shot to Vince's skull. Vince is bleeding everywhere. Shawn is getting a table. Vince is on the table. Shawn climbs the ladder prepared to pounce and stops to get a longer ladder. Shawn does the crotch chop and elbows Vince off the ladder, onto a garbage can, through the table. Sweet Chin Music! 1-2-3. Shawn Michaels DESTROYS Vince McMahon. Well, none of the boys can ever say Vince wouldn't take the bumps he may challenge them to take.

10:07 P.M. Randy Orton vs. Kurt Angle vs. Rey Mysterio

Angle opens the bout by suplexing Orton and Mysterio all over the ring. RKO on Angle. Angle belly-to-belly on Orton from the top rope. Seated senton splash on Angle. Angle Slam on Orton. Mysterio reverses the Angle Slam and armdrags Angle out of the ring. 619 on Randy Orton. Mysterio with the West Coast Pop on Orton for the 1-2-3! Rey Mysterio is the new WWE Champion.

That was really fast and an abrupt ending. I know they put Mysterio over for Eddie, but wow, that match was really short and could've been a lot more entertaining considering the talent levels of all three participants. What's the hurry? There are still 54 minutes left on the ppv and one match remaining. I'd imagine Rey will be dropping the strap to Orton at the next Smackdown! ppv.

10:19 P. M. Candice Michelle vs. Torrie Wilson

Whoops, I forgot about this "match." I guess it's a bring-down match from Main Event 1. Lillian, Candice is not from Boise, Torrie is. Torrie is clearly more up my alley, but Candice Michelle looks amazing. Barring an unlikely nip slip, this match should be quite uneventful.

Torrie's dog, Chloe (whose name JR forgot) with the kiss to Candice. There goes Candice's gown. Hmmm, maybe Jillian's body is only a 9.5. The crowd chants, "Boring!" Torrie's dress is off. Apparently I'm the only one who cares. Torrie wins with a rollup. I don't think any pillows were even used in this "pillow fight." They didn't even show any good close-ups of Torrie. That was a waste of time. Let's get this main event started.

10:40 P.M. John Cena vs. Triple H

This is going to be interesting. The crowd will be booing the hell out of Cena. Hopefully the match is booked accordingly. Why is Cena "the most controversial champion ever," JR? That's a bizarre statement. I may give Iraqi sympathizer Sgt. Slaughter that honor, but what do I know?

Trips comes out dressed like a member of a Germanic tribe in 350 A.D. to a strange Motorhead song which then switches to his normal theme. He looks like a supremely confident individual. You'd think he'd just knocked up the boss's daughter or something. Oh wait.

Cena comes out with a strange introduction referencing Capone and the bootleggers. The crowd is all boos. Cena shoots a fake tommy gun. Neat? Let's start the fucking match, guys.

Hammerlocks and tests of strengths to open the bout. Trips shoves Cena around to crowd applause. Back and forth brawling which would make Sid Vicious proud.

Triple H kicks out of an F-U. Cena kicks out of a Pedigree. Sledgehammer to the head for a two-count. Cena wins with the STFU after a series of reversals in the middle of the ring. I had posted a thorough, move-by-move description of the last 5 minutes of the match, but the power outage just zapped that.

I give Wrestlemania 22 a 5.5 / 10. The MITB Ladder Match and Triple Threat match disappointed me. As I expected, Foley-Edge was the only bout that rose to WM quality. Trish-Mickie also put forth a nice effort until the blown finish. We'll see how they move Cena's character from here.

1:01 A.M. The Sopranos, Season 6, Episode 4

I actually really enjoyed this week's episode. It was a little low on action but high on the acting and plot development. Paulie was at his funniest. The Schwinn neighbor and Pastor did a nice job of expaining evolution/creationism and Tony's struggle with salvation and pragmatism. It will be interesting to see whether the Barone Construction strife is the powder keg for a Vito backstab and NY-NJ conflict. In any event, Sack is going to be more ambitious with Tony on the shelf.

Edie Kept the Moaning to a Minimum

2006-03-26T22:09:00.000-05:00

Thank God he's awake. Although it made little medical sense, it's nice to have the Boss back. I think it's safe to say that my view on his dreamland representing purgatory rather than the popular online sentiment of the hotel as hell, was correct. I have no problems with the inclusion of Tony B. and Meadow crying in the background during the dream sequence. That makes sense! And it deals with the Sopranos universe instead of a boring Buddhist lawsuit.

I was glad that they pushed Vito's greed and discontent with the power vacuum. The fact that he was Phil Leotardo's cousin was just too much for me to ignore when coming up with my list of potential baddies for this season. I'm expecting a Vito/Phil vs. Bobby/Chris showdown eventually. Paulie's short fuse may cause some other external fallout.

I have mixed feelings about Silvio's ineptitude as acting boss. On the one hand, it builds up Tony's respect and power as the "man." However, it does seem puzzling that a consigliere (often admired/promoted due to their levelheadedness and intelligence) would be so deficient as a temporary boss. I'm ok with it as long as Sil gets another push (e.g. the badass capping of Adriana last season). Although Episode 3 was still tame compared to the ***** finale of The Shield, it was a nice recovery that should allow the show to head in several entertaining directions for the remainder of the season.

Natalee's Still Shark Bait

2006-03-24T00:56:00.000-05:00

I'm really sick of the Natalee Holloway story. Nevermind the fact that it's only been a news story for 10 months because she looks like a squad leader in the Hitler Youth. The real reason is because any reasonable viewer knows what happened and is tired of these boring retreads. Greta Van Newjaw really needs to stop with the tabloid reporting.

Natalee was drinking with Joran that nite. Please stop denying this or playing stupid, Beth Twitty (aptly named). Natty then either willingly took X or was unknowingly drugged (not really relevant). Afterwards, she was mauled by Joran and the creepy Indian brothers. Regardless of the torrid details, I don't see consent being likely. I'd imagine she either overdosed or struggled with the boys. They panicked and either struck her or she lost consciousness. At this point, daddy was called. She was likely buried in the vast sand dunes (which still haven't been thoroughly searched?). Then, when the ever-so-wise Aruba PD arrested the first two black guys they saw (figures) and gave them 48 long hours out of public scrutiny, Team Van Der Slut moved the body, chopped her to pieces, and fed what remained of blondie to the nearest sharks.

Why is it relevant that some investigator thinks the official cause of death was due to overdose rather than hitting her with a bat? It's still going to be manslaughter (or negligent homicide, at best), either way you slice it, Hansel. The best case scenario is that they forgot to chop her with a Jimmy John's meat slicer, and she's still in the dunes someplace. Even with a body, you have the same case. The boys left her on the beach and still lack the same character they did since the story broke. My solution is simple and painless: none of my future children may travel to Aruba or watch the first 20 minutes of Greta for as long as I shall live.

Statutory Rape: Felony or Rite of Passage?

2006-03-22T01:10:00.000-05:00

My biggest beef of the nite involves the pathetic conclusion to the Debra LaFave case. I'm fed up with the gender hypocrisy and antiquated stereotypes plaguing American views on statutory rape. This was a clear case of a sane adult woman having sex with a 14 year-old minor for pure lust and adventure. When a grizzled old man does this, he gets labeled a sex offender for life and serves 15-25 years in prison. Why is this any different?

Girls are considered pure, innocent, easily corrupted by older men, and largely incapable of making autonomous sexual decisions. Boys, on the other hand, will be boys. Experimentation and landing an older woman is part of the learning curve and ammo for bragging rights, not a traumatic experience. It's unfair and contrary to what social science teaches us. Girls, on average, attain sexual and social maturity faster than boys. Chalking aberrant behavior up to some strange notion of "seduction" is absurdity. Seduction typically involves "enticing someone astray from right behavior or just winning love or sexual favors from someone." Why is the man always the seducer? This is just not the reality of modern relationships. Women and men have free will to have sex with who they want. I'm not going to sit here and say 14 year-olds can freely consent, but there should be consistency in determining what sexual deeds go unpunished and which result in the ruination of lives. In my eyes, no 19 year-old boy engaging in sexual activity with a 16 year-old girl should be demonized, while a 25 year-old woman who mounts a 14 year-old boy gets rewarded with a 6 figure nude-modeling contract.

Is anything more illustrative of these bemoaned stereotypes than the defense tactics in this case? First, they began by repeatedly referring to LaFave's fragile nature and potential for abuse due to her attractive appearance. Those pleas frequently succeed when male pedophiles enter prison and are violently assaulted by inmates. Next, LaFave claimed insanity. I believe this related to the tangential excuses regarding her "bipolar disorder;" but without expert testimony, no trauma or any intoxication, that had no chance of success. Plus, she had sex with the boy several times (even in the presence of other students). In any event, courts have repeatedly emphasized strict liability on knowledge requirements regarding sexual relations with minors in the past, so I don't see why it wouldn't extend these rigid standards to any contrived excuse Ms. LaFave might make. But alas, a plea deal with no jail time was struck. The reasonable judge, seeing the immense hypocrisy and admissions of guilt by Ms. LaFave, found the plea deal unconscionable. After all, how can one concede guilt to statutory rape and only end up with probation? Finally, the victim just gave up and preferred to not testify rather than put LaFave behind bars.

Let me be clear, I'm not necessarily saying LaFave should be serving 20 years or walking free. I just want a system where the same penalties are handed out to offenders regardless of gender. If the media and prosecutors are unwilling to comply, I'd hope fair-minded feminists and legal scholars would agree with me. Otherwise, I may be forced to conclude these actors may be operating with Machiavellian goals of destroying any and all paternalistic influences in our society without regard to fairness and consistency. And we all know that isn't the case, right?

Vic Mackey Rides Another Day

2006-03-21T23:39:00.000-05:00

Wow, after disappointments over the past few days, The Shield's finale [SPOILER ALERT] hit one out of the park. I did not see the twist coming until Shane appeared distraught as he went for Lem's food. The scene between Walton Goggins and Kenny Johnson was A+, Godfather-caliber acting. Shane's tearful apology while Lem's charred body faded into unconsciousness was just so well done. And the final fistfight between Vic and Kavanaugh followed by Vic's promise to avenge Lem was just perfect. Did Vic have prior knowledge, or was Shane fulfilling last season's role as the most selfish Strike Team member? I can't wait to find out.

Meanwhile, the Reds continue to cannibalize their team. They traded a live arm with pretty good control for a third Catcher with literally no upside. Unless Jason LaRue gets unloaded for Johan Santana, I'm baffled yet again. 76-86, anyone?

24 Just Got Nipped by a Hammerhead

2006-03-21T00:04:00.000-05:00

This was a disappointing nite of television to say the least. 24, Raw, and the futility of the Cincinnati Reds are the current targets of my disdain.

24 (SPOILER ALERT) began by ruining the Fifth Season with the untimely and lame death of Tony Almeida. I just don't understand how Tony dies from 1/10th the dosage of the same "truth serum" which was incapable of even keeping Henderson in a coma last week. And don't human beings have sternums? That reminds me, where the hell is Henderson? His escape from CTU was not addressed this week, for some odd reason. Tony has defied all odds and been Jack's right-hand man especially through the past three seasons. How can you write off the show's rogue badass with a weak syringe to the chest? They brought Carlos Bernard back to essentially walk around in a hospital gown for three episodes and croak? On top of that, (my #1) Elisha Cuthbert exited with little fanfare and sex appeal. She had, what, 7 lines in the past two weeks? At least they introduced her worthless, Jim Rome wannabe boyfriend. This show is headed downhill fast and knocking off main characters is not adding to the enjoyment level. Thank God THE SHIELD will show these other programs how it's done tomorrow nite in the blockbuster season finale.

Raw was really an average show in every regard. The Triple Threat Match with RVD/Flair/Shelton was a nice tv match with a creative finish when Benjamin covered Flair as he applied the Figure 4 to RVD, but where is the other wrestling action? I'm sick of the McMahons bloviating on the microphone for the first 15 minutes of Raw. How many times does Shawn Michaels have to be squashed before Vince's ego is adequately padded? If this angle doesn't lead to Bret Hart coming out at Wrestlemania, I'll be sorely disappointed. I'm really looking forward to Edge-Foley at Mania. I miss high spots in the sport, and Edge is very underrated.

On to the scourge of Major League Baseball, the Reds... What the hell is going on in their front office? They're trading a 24 year-old right-handed corner OF capable of 40 HR power to a team we're likely going to be battling for a Wild Card. In return, they've landed an average 4th starter with a career ERA of 4.59. Arroyo is 29 and a flyball pitcher. Anyone who's witnessed Eric Milton and Ramon Ortiz being treated like Job in GABP should realize that this is NOT a good indicator of things to come. Do the Reds really see the 1B platoon of Hatteberg/Aurilia as an upgrade over Pena? Is this punishment for Pena defying management and playing for the Dominican Republic in the WBC (Griffey---hypocrites)? The constant failure to develop young talent or properly rebuild makes me laugh. They're a business spending minimal money to put a third-rate product on the field just barely good enough to deceive the ignorant masses into thinking they have a chance in the NL Central by signing 4-5 grizzled veterans per Spring. I'll be at the stadium rooting for good slapstick humor in a month, Reds' fans. Because of today's gaffe there should be more flyballs over our heads in the hot RF Wall seats we usually occupy. Go Tribe!

The Gadfly Commences

2006-03-20T00:43:00.000-05:00

Well, I guess I'll finally concede intellectual defeat and join the world of generic blogging. People have often complimented my previous forays into web design, so hopefully this is pleasurable to some (if not most). A few things are preoccupying my thoughts on this dreary March nite.

First off, what's the deal with the Sopranos? SPOILER WARNING. I just can't respect a show that takes two years off then dumps filler in the second episode of the season. I predicted this shitty dream sequence at the close of last week's gut-wrenching season premiere. Do the writers really think the metaphors of Tony being attached to his "business briefcase" and extramarital contemplations (only to be awaken by a must-have procedure---wink, wink, he can't divorce Carm) are clever? I should just be thankful Annette Bening didn't make another inexplicable cameo.

My Season Six predictions were as follows: A.J. would be forced into the "life" (A.J. = Tony, weaknesses and all), Chrissy would have his tragic downfall (either due to his Sonny Corleone-esque temper or his proximity to Tony's throne), Vito becomes the internal antagonist (the homosexuality and indifference towards Tony are good seeds), Phil Leotardo as the main baddie (he's still pissed about Tony B.), and Uncle Jun slips into the darkness. I know it's early, but get your ass in gear, Chase.

My bracket is officially mush. I do like my Final 4 picks (Duke, UCLA, Nova, UCONN) but losing two Elite 8 teams (KU, MSU) after the first weekend isn't going to cut it. I have UCONN over UCLA in the final. About a half dozen others do as well, so my relative gains on the field are in the shitter.

I'm so ready for baseball. I don't think I've been this excited for a season to begin since 1997. The Tribe should be contending for at worst a Wild Card spot. With Burnett hurt, the Jays are extremely vulnerable. They were already going to have some chemistry problems with the NL--->AL adjustments and their odd park. The severity of the injury is definitely being downplayed due to attendance/hype concerns. I guess if I dumped about $200 million into an investment (Burnett, Molina, Ryan, Glaus, Overbay), I wouldn't feel too guilty about deceiving consumers either.

It's Spring Break, so I'll give the frequent posting a shot. I just got done lifting. As such, I'm in more of a sports-related mode. I'll wait a few days to rant on V for Vendetta's anarchist paradoxes and the myth of the bird flu. Thanxxx for reading.